Following the generally lackluster response to his presidential campaign, Donald Trump is set to launch an audacious bid to buy Greece. A close aide today anonymously confirmed that Trump is finalizing the bailout, which, if successful, would see a sovereign nation enter private ownership for the first time since Charles and David Koch secretly bought The United States of America in 2012.
Trump’s personal fortune is estimated at just $4 Billion although he has stated that the figure is closer to $10 Billion. That falls a long way short of the estimated $200 Billion cost of the Greek bailout. Just how Trump plans to raise the full amount is uncertain although sources close to the billionaire hotelier have been briefing the press about the mechanics of the highly-leveraged takeover.
“The IMF is prepared to bailout Greece to the tune of $200 billion,” said one insider, “but everyone knows that money will never be paid back. Greece simply can’t afford it. So, we just have to find a downpayment number that satisfies the IMF and puts some cash into Angela Merkel’s pocket.”
The International Monetary Fund agrees. With the austerity measures imposed by Germany, Greece’s economy is expected to shrink still further, reducing the value of public assets, which are expected to be signed over to a private European consortium of bankers next week.
“Instead,” said Trump’s aide, “we plan to leverage Greece’s many natural and historic resources against the IMF loan, grow the gross domestic product, reduce costs, and repay the IMF at 20 cents on the dollar. Greece has 8,000 miles of coastline and 6,000 islands. That’s a lot of casinos.”
UNESCO has sounded tentative warnings about Trump’s imminent purchase, declaring that the culture and heritage of the country that gave the world democracy is about to fall into the hands of an American tyrant.
“The Parthenon, the Acropolis, Corinth, Olympia, Delphi,” said one UNESCO spokesperson, “are all under threat from Trump’s takeover. He’s the cultural equivalent of ISIS.”
Trump insiders moved quickly to assure UNESCO that preserving Greece’s world heritage sites is a top priority.
“The Parthenon,” responded a Trump aide, “is hugely significant to world culture and it will form the centerpiece of the new Trump Acropolis Casino and Hotel. Besides, it’s 2500 years old now and it could do with a modern facelift.”
Greece, which once gave the world geometry, philosophy and democracy, is preparing to fight off Trump’s advances. Fears that Trump would be less than sympathetic to the Greeks were raised last week when the tycoon made racist remarks about the Hispanic population of America.
But Greece may be in no position to fight off Trump’s overtures. Greece’s financial woes have sent a tsunami across Europe that threatens to sink countries smaller than the Hellenic state. Even so, it is the powerhouse of Europe, Germany, that leads the charge for punitive austerity measures that will surely signal Greece’s death spiral. While German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, has thus far shown no signs of concern of the damage to her political image, she may just be willing to do the sort of deal that will see Trump enter the Old Royal Palace in Athens, disband Parliament, and declare himself the new Greek head of state.
Said the aide, “Merkel and Germany can have Rhodes as a payoff, and when the dust has settled we’ll move in and start the overhaul. Once the work is done, we’ll see if we can repatriate some of these Greek layabouts. We understand Melbourne, Australia, has a large Greek population. There’s a lot of room to grow in Australia.”