POPE OPENS SHOESHINE – Vatican City, Vatican – Under fire for demanding tithes, alms, and works of charity from those least able to afford it to solve poverty, hunger, and the Syrian refugee crisis, Pope Francis, whose religious organization sits on untold wealth and owns empty palaces around the world, has responded by opening a charity shoeshine.
“Jesus washed feet at little more than cost,” said the Pontiff. “If he could make the business model work, then we must believe that His church can do the same.”
The Catholic Church’s wealth is a closely guarded secret but estimates suggest it nets almost a $1B per week in American donations alone. The Holy See, which has an annual worldwide expenditure of $170B, has long been criticized for hoarding its wealth while demanding charitable works of others.
“If we can raise a few bucks by cleaning shoes,” Frankie the Pope continued, “then every Catholic in the world can spend a few minutes a day in service to others, working for tips, and donating the earnings to me. Once we have the cash, our bankers can oversee God’s work to eliminate hunger and disease and all that shit.”
The Vatican Bank manages assets worth more than $6B for its 17,400 customers and has a long history of opacity and scandal.