Cecil The Lion Bequeaths Solution to Greek Problem

Greek Lion
Greeks and Lions – Fate?

The cowardly murder of Zimbabwe’s Cecil the Lion has, understandably, drawn angry reaction around the world. While we can hope that the outpouring of anger and grief coagulates into positive action to protect wildlife, the clamor to shut down hunt tourism in Africa has identified a potentially huge source of income for austerity-battered Greece.

In a surprise move that European economists say may save the Eurozone from financial collapse, American sportsmen are to be invited to hunt Greeks. For $50,000 each, Wisconsin dentists can visit the cradle of Western democracy, get a tan, try the seafood, kill a Greek, and fly home again.

Only tagged Greeks would be targeted and there would be strict rules against luring them from their homes with Nana Mouskouri records, baklava and Ouzo. Tags would be drawn by lottery, Hunger Games-style, depending on demand. The draw would be televised live by Trump Entertainment’s media channel. Spain, Germany and the UK are expected to bid for the rights to host the weekly drawing, with Fox and NBC expected to challenge for television rights. Details are understandably scarce right now but Greece is expected to tag as many as 30 citizens a month depending on demand. Under the terms of the Trans-Atlantic Trade and Investment Partnership, TTIP, the American NRA is expected to sue Athens if that number is not tripled.

As reported here, American billionaire and professional loudmouth, Donald Trump, had initially trailed the pack of Republicans vying for the party’s presidential nomination. Determined to be president of something other than the 589 shell companies through which he channels money, Trump had been expected to announce a highly leveraged hostile takeover of Greece and had already signed the papers to remortgage the Hellenic Parliament.

However, since calling John McCain and other former prisoners of war losers and painting Hispanic immigrants as rapists and criminals, Trump has surged in popularity with the American public and finds himself leading the GOP’s race for the White House. This unexpected resurgence of Trump’s presidential campaign may be good news for the property tycoon but bad news for Greece, a campaign insider admitted. And, with the latest polls seeing an upsurge in domestic popularity, Trump’s sights have shifted away from Athens and are locked firmly on D.C.

Greeks were understandably relieved. Despite strict austerity measures imposed by German chancellor, Angela Merkel, Athens this week saw citizens dusting off bottles of Metaxa usually reserved for drunken Brits holidaying in the Aegean. But the festive mood has once again been shattered by these new proposals emanating from Berlin.

“This plan,” said a Trump insider, speaking on condition of anonymity, “is the sort of ingenious financial solution that the President Trump would bring to the American economy.”

“This solution could clear up all sorts of problems like dwindling retirement funds, Medicaid, Medicare, welfare and more. But don’t quote me on that,” he added.


Donald Trump to Buy Greece

Trump Parliament?

Following the generally lackluster response to his presidential campaign, Donald Trump is set to launch an audacious bid to buy Greece. A close aide today anonymously confirmed that Trump is finalizing the bailout, which, if successful, would see a sovereign nation enter private ownership for the first time since Charles and David Koch secretly bought The United States of America in 2012.

Trump’s personal fortune is estimated at just $4 Billion although he has stated that the figure is closer to $10 Billion. That falls a long way short of the estimated $200 Billion cost of the Greek bailout. Just how Trump plans to raise the full amount is uncertain although sources close to the billionaire hotelier have been briefing the press about the mechanics of the highly-leveraged takeover.

“The IMF is prepared to bailout Greece to the tune of $200 billion,” said one insider, “but everyone knows that money will never be paid back. Greece simply can’t afford it. So, we just have to find a downpayment number that satisfies the IMF and puts some cash into Angela Merkel’s pocket.”

The International Monetary Fund agrees. With the austerity measures imposed by Germany, Greece’s economy is expected to shrink still further, reducing the value of public assets, which are expected to be signed over to a private European consortium of bankers next week.

“Instead,” said Trump’s aide, “we plan to leverage Greece’s many natural and historic resources against the IMF loan, grow the gross domestic product, reduce costs, and repay the IMF at 20 cents on the dollar. Greece has 8,000 miles of coastline and 6,000 islands. That’s a lot of casinos.”

UNESCO has sounded tentative warnings about Trump’s imminent purchase, declaring that the culture and heritage of the country that gave the world democracy is about to fall into the hands of an American tyrant.

“The Parthenon, the Acropolis, Corinth, Olympia, Delphi,” said one UNESCO spokesperson, “are all under threat from Trump’s takeover. He’s the cultural equivalent of ISIS.”

Trump insiders moved quickly to assure UNESCO that preserving Greece’s world heritage sites is a top priority.

“The Parthenon,” responded a Trump aide, “is hugely significant to world culture and it will form the centerpiece of the new Trump Acropolis Casino and Hotel. Besides, it’s 2500 years old now and it could do with a modern facelift.”

Greece, which once gave the world geometry, philosophy and democracy, is preparing to fight off Trump’s advances. Fears that Trump would be less than sympathetic to the Greeks were raised last week when the tycoon made racist remarks about the Hispanic population of America.

But Greece may be in no position to fight off Trump’s overtures. Greece’s financial woes have sent a tsunami across Europe that threatens to sink countries smaller than the Hellenic state. Even so, it is the powerhouse of Europe, Germany, that leads the charge for punitive austerity measures that will surely signal Greece’s death spiral. While German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, has thus far shown no signs of concern of the damage to her political image, she may just be willing to do the sort of deal that will see Trump enter the Old Royal Palace in Athens, disband Parliament, and declare himself the new Greek head of state.

Said the aide, “Merkel and Germany can have Rhodes as a payoff, and when the dust has settled we’ll move in and start the overhaul. Once the work is done, we’ll see if we can repatriate some of these Greek layabouts. We understand Melbourne, Australia, has a large Greek population. There’s a lot of room to grow in Australia.”