Trump to Deploy Armed Teachers to Syria

The civil war in Syria continues and carpet-bombing of rebel-held areas is a daily occurrence, claiming the lives of fighters and civilians alike. With the United Nations powerless to intervene, and the Red Cross unable to keep up with the influx of catastrophic injuries, the casualty rate continues to spiral out of control in the war-torn region and hundreds of men, women and children have been killed. But help may be at hand. Hinting a “a little bonus,” US President Donald Trump revealed that he may authorize a deployment of 45 Company to the area to quell the violence.

45 Company, a battle-hardened army of highly trained “good” teachers with concealed carry licenses, may be offered a minor pay bump to drop into the warzone and settle everyone down. Combatants who refuse may be sent to the Principal’s office.

“We might be willing to send in the teachers,” an anonymous source inside the White House said. “If we can find the money to do it.”

Funding the deployment may be a problem following the 2017 tax reform, which will create a 10 trillion-dollar deficit for the next decade, but the anonymous source says there’s a plan in place.

“We may have to look at the Education budget and see if we can’t cut a few programs to fund this. Music, Art, Languages. Text books. You know, the stuff no one cares about.”

When asked if sports programs may be at risk the sources responded, “Hell no.”

Another sticking point may be disentangling the complex alliances that mark the civil war.

Russia and Iran are assisting Syrian president, Bashar al-Assad, in his fight against a confusing matrix of anti-government freedom fighters, local resistance, and even some Jihadi groups. Syria also stands accused of using chemical weapons against its own people.

US forces are aiding the national Coalition’s fight against al-Assad, and supporting “moderate rebels,” while also targeting the remnants of ISIS fighters who control civilian areas. But the US is treading a delicate line in Syria, not wishing to directly oppose Russia, but desiring regime change that would topple al-Assad.

A deployment of armed teachers into the region would certainly end the crisis, but it may also risk the friendly relations between Trump and Putin.

“We believe that 45 Company could settle this almost immediately,” said the White House source. “They’re hardened fighters who have been on the front lines for decades now. And that little bonus is a real motivator.”

“With teachers,” the source added, “you know, the good ones, they don’t just have a pistol. They have a well-stocked armory of stern looks, detention, lines on the board, hard exams, and restrictions from sporting events and senior prom.”

Although the White House has not publicly commented on the strategic deployment, it is understood that negotiations with Putin, who refuses to sign Trump’s permission slip, are ongoing.